It started out as an ordinary Wednesday night at my favorite Deep Yoga class in San Diego.
And then about 15 minutes into class while singing and chanting Sanskrit words I didn’t even understand, tears began to pour down my face. I was filled with a crazy combo of sadness and relief … mixed in with a little embarrassment for good measure. At that very moment, I had NO IDEA where these tears were coming from. I wasn’t consciously thinking about anything in particular (ahh – the beauty of chanting!), but the odd mixture of heaviness and lightness brought up some big alligator tears that continued to stream down my face.
After class in the darkness outside the studio, I was saying goodnight to my best friend of 30+ years and her mom. I felt like I had pulled myself together enough and pushed all those inconvenient feelings away (as usual) to bid my friends goodnight. But that’s when my bestie’s mom asked compassionately yet firmly, “So what are you going to do about it?”
Do about IT? Do about WHAT I thought? What is she talking about? And then I realized, this woman who has been like a 2nd mom to me (who also happens to be a past life regression rockstar and amazing healer) – she could SEE me better than I could see myself. She was asking me what I was going to do about my “work/life situation”. What was I going to do to pull myself out from underneath this deep hidden sadness and back out into my beautiful light.
I had no answer at the time. I just stood there and hugged my friends tightly and sobbed in the strange orange light from the street lamp, feeling that weird out-of-body sensation when you know that something is going to change. When life as you know it cannot continue on as it has been.
So where was this sadness coming from you ask? It came from spending most of my waking hours dedicated to a dysfunctional corporate life that pulled me away from my family and myself. Sound familiar maybe?
It came from the 2 hour commute in ugly San Diego traffic; missing out on moments with my 3 year old that I could never get back; the stressed and anxious life I lived daily; the emptiness I felt even though my days were so busy and full; feeling like I was doing a shitty job as a mom and also as an employee. It also came from the yucky feeling that I just didn’t belong in the corporate world anymore. Sure I was really good at playing nicey nice, reaching my goals, and playing The Corporate Game very well. But it was all slowly strangling my spirit and my light – the otherwise bright and playful me.
None of it felt good. It wasn’t serving me anymore and it definitely wasn’t serving anyone else.
So after this wake-up call and validation at yoga, I was on a mission.
I had to figure out how to quit my job in the corporate world and create more flexibility, freedom and fulfillment in my life.
I took a deep look at our household finances and spent hours pouring over fancy spreadsheets to look at different money scenarios that would support our little family including getting a surge credit card to ease or problems. I came up with a serious proposal to present to my husband. A slick and convincing proposal to show that I could (and needed to) quit my job – and quit the rat race entirely.
After hours of prep work and rehearsing what I was going to say, I sat down with my awesome husband on a sunny afternoon in our backyard and started to get into my “presentation”. And wouldn’t you know it, I was just a few words in and that damn flood of tears was back! I managed to eek out between sobs that I just couldn’t do it anymore. And that’s when he asked, “Well… then why don’t you quit?”
That easy. No need for slick proposals and fancy spreadsheets.
And on what would’ve normally been just your average sunny San Diego day in our backyard, I was taking my first step into freedom.
I bet you too have a story or remember THAT MOMENT when you knew you had to do something different. I’d LOVE IT if you’d share it with me in the comments below.